AU AU AU

mulai ngegalau lagi shit, tulisan blog isinya galauan semua, sampah

oke oke oke,
jadi saya lagi agak pesimis tentang sesuatu yang selama ini saya cita citain
masalah duit sih, itu yang paling penting
gila, nyari duit 40 juta dalam waktu dua bulan gimana caranya cuy
terus entah kenapa pas tadi saya baca2 lagi file pdfnya saya jadi ga yakin, ga pede gitu, saya mulai berfikir kalo saya bakal jadi mahasiswa lamban disana, hollyshit, jangan mikir kaya gitu ah

oke oke galau galau
saya takut ga kesampean
dan semester ini saya akuin berat, ngebagi pikiran buat 7 hal berbeda bukan perkara mudah euy, SAMPAH, kenapa harus kaya gini, dan saya ga bisa berbalik dan melarikan diri, kejebak sama semuanya, sial sial sial

Ya Allahhhh

kalau kaya gini ni ya, suka pengen ada yang nemenin, nyemangatin, bilang kamu pasti bisa ma, ayo jangan nyerah, terus berusaha, aku percaya kamu pasti bisa, terus kepala saya diusap usap...ahhhh pasti amat sangat menenangkan hati
shit shit shit
menjadi diri saya tidak mudah
yeah
narsis
kepedean
haha
konyol

saya sakit kepala

saya baru tau, ternyata kalau menerima sesuatu yang ga ngenakin hati atau ngagetin, saya langsung pusing dan sakit kepala, mungkin itu alasannya kenapa Allah selalu ngasih saya hari yang tenang (di luar kehectican tugas), ternyata saya kurang mampu nerima hal2 yang berat.
Saya baru aja berfikir, apa siap ngejalanin dunia keprofesian nanti, entahlah, saya ga suka hidup ga teratur, saya takut saya ga bisa, saya ragu sama kemampuan saya sendiri, entah kenapa saya ngerasa kurang sense dan saya sendiri ga tau kenapa, yang di mata saya lebih bagus engga lebih bagus di mata orang lain, apa karena penilaian saya terlalu subjektif? (aduh kenapa jadi berat gini sih bahasanya)

DAMN saya butuh temen, saya butuh orang yang selalu semangat dan ada bersama saya. Mungkin saya angkuh ya, nganggap diri sendiri kuat dan orang lain lemah, padahal saya juga lemah, saya ga bisa berdiri sendiri, langkah saya tertatih tatih tanpa ditemani. dan yang paling naif, paling menjijikan, paling lemah, adalah..saat ini saya butuh pelukan dari orang yang saya sayang, saya pengen ada orang yang ngedukung dan terus motivasi saya, yang bantu saya berdiri waktu jatuh.

Saya sadar saya lemah banget, dan entah kenapa saat ini saya ingin menolak kodrat saya sebagai wanita, kenapa wanita ga bisa jalan sendirian di waktu malam, kenapa laki laki yang lebih baik jadi pemimpin daripada wanita? tapi kenapa ada juga laki laki yang begitu lemah hatinya.
Saya pengen kuat, saya pengen cerdas

saya lagi cape, pengen bedrest aja, andaikan masuk rumah sakit ga semahal bayar uang semesteran...lagi lagi saya nunjukin sikap pengecut, payah....

kenapa saya kaya gini?karena saya benci tidak menepati janji, saya benci mengecewakan orang lain, saya benci jadi orang yang ga bertanggung jawab, saya ga suka gak dihiraukan, saya gak suka ditinggalin, saya gak suka sendiri

KEMBALI LAGI KE BLOg

26 desember, ini hari libur (libur ke kampus, tugasnya pindah ke rumah. hari ini saya niat ngerjain brosur PPDKV sampe selesai, yahh...2 halaman lagi sih, niatnya selesai malam ini ,tapi entah kenapa mood saya ada di nulis blog, berhubung saya ga punya diari (punya pun ga pernah diisi) ya tumplek ke sini deh semuanya.

Terus tadi siang si silmi ke rumah, ngerjain kerjaan quartlon, dan kita berhasil nyelesain 2 alternatif desain kaos, medali, sama layout proposal, sambil kerja nyelang nonton music core ;lah..liat 2pm sama suju nampil. Lucu ya, pas TPB kita duduk depan belakangan tapi ga pernah ngobrol, eh sekarang punya cita cita yang sama. Apakah itu???JENG JENGGGG!!!ke Korea, off course, she's my partner in crime (fangirling mengganggu kenyamanan orang sehingga dikategorikan sebagai crime). Terus setelah selesai kita langsung nonton star golden bell sampe selesai, disitu taecyon sama onew nya lucu...hahah mulai lagi deh, entah kenapa saya begitu kepikat sama dunia yang satu ini, saya akuin suka banget sama kaya beginian bikin saya ga melek sekeliling, ngerjain tugas juga aga keganggu dikiiiiit (tapi bisa ngebantu buat nyemangatin begadang juga loh),kalau buka kompi bawaannya pengen langsung liat apdetan lah.....hahhaa..

Tadi saya ngasihin titipan postcardnya silmi, trus kan katanya shinee (rumornya) mau ke singapur januari, terus dia bilang, "padahal ke singapurnya entar aja sama saya!" terus saya jawab, "kalau ke singapurnya entar, aku ga akan ketemu orang itu .."hahahah..fantastis elastiss ni orang bikin saya kesengsem, dan bikin saya melek juga. GUYS I'M JUST A KID, ALL I KNOW IS HOW TO PLEAse MYSELF, MASIH BANYAK HAL YANG HARUS DIPIKIRIN KARENA SEBENTAR LAGI SAYA AKAN BERKEPALA DUA. Kenapa saya jadi mikir gini?karna saya sekarang suka sama orang yang mungkin cocoknya jadi om saya kali ya...beda umurnya hampir 10 taun.

lumayan deh kenal dia untuk inspirasi, sekarang saya jadi setengah melek deh. YOSHHHH!!!!!!!!

continuing crap

well, again yesterday dad asked me:"do you have any boyfriend, when mom at ur age, she's begun dating..."
hmph!! well, what kind of boy dating me?the one with sick eyes maybe. And after this week I've begun thinking, the persons that marry me is on disaster. kitchen matter is my big weakness, it's proven yesterday. I don't really like child and i'm bad at nurturing, it's what they say: "you're way too ignorant" when i keep in silent while the water in tank fully loaded and flooding the floor, sorry, i was too concentrate on my work (that is playing game.. :P)
For you, who read, not me, who feel it, this simple matter often bring me down. I don't want to say it...yea...what to say it...i just feel unconfident. It often tear my heart down, the last thing happen to me last year, although it was just a lie but really make me heart broken, i vowed NEVER had a crush again, I'm tired of having heart break or being hated. Thanks to my environment know, the people don't really care about love-matter, but my previous school makes me feel that i'm a geeky-nerdy that no boys holding crush on me. Yeah what i'm saying is crap, but that's what i felt when i was on my 17. Now it's whatever, better looking for money than boyfriend.

Well and i never said this to my parent, and they never tried to know, thats why my friends know me better than them. But i never communicate to my parents either, so it's a draw.

crap

my mom leave on her own, i wonder is it me the reason?or my dad?

this week i spent uncomfortably, i felt awkward toward my own family, i choose being myself than gathering around, and one noticeable thing is that i don't talk much, seriously, i never open any conversation, not any. Especially with my bros, i never even answer their question. Are you wondering why? well i don't know. I just DON'T want to. Strange eh
yesterday my dad asked me, if i got unfulfilled wish that makes me act so mean. Well i said none (the truth is i REALLY want an SLR camera but that is not the reason, i want to afford it MYSELF, my father should get the doctoral degree by that money next year).
I don't know either, i act normally (nicely) to my friends. Then i wondering, do i have any grudges to them? what have they done?
well after i wondering..
i often feel mismatch, heartbreak and dissapointed. I just remember some of them but the point is it's very rude to write it down, none of us perfect rite?hm! then what's the point apologizing on ied al fitr..ahh..i feel it's just a title, just a ritual, not done by heart.. (astagfirullah)...but thats what i'm thinking, because after apologizing they make another same mistake..ahhhh

well, i got a lot to write but i should do magrib prayer first...

things i learn from this ramadhan

i lived in a penthouse, it's not mine but someone ask me to live there, it was luxurious, but u can't waste much water because someone will scold at you (strange)when you do that. The most amazing thing, when you climb to the rooftop, you can see mecca on the left side while England and Chinese great wall on the right side. Also, if you're sitting at work desk you'll see great view of sea and mountain. I was so amazed but suddenly my father wake me up. "wake up, it's 9.3o!" whew!what a great dream since I've never had any lately. I wonder if it were a reality, where would it be?paradise?

if i were a mom

mulai sekarang saya bakalan ngepost setiap hal yang terlintas di benak saya kalau kelak saya jadi orang tua....

IF I WERE A PARENT, i wouldn't yelled at my child if they made small mistakes,because it's a good time for them to learn

IF I WERE A PARENT i would be my child's best friend ever